Hi. This is my first entry, my first public writing, my first “hello out there, I’m here”. Who am I? Outwardly, a lot of things. I’m a successful professional, a mad networker, a best girlfriend to many, an imperfect sister and daughter, a fitness guru and a “maintained” (read: forced) size 0, a struggling vegetarian and humanitarian who works too much and frets too much and is a perfectionist to the core. Still outwardly but more subterranean, I’m a recovering alcoholic, a soon-to-be-recovering nicotine, caffeine, and marijuana addict, a bulimic and chronic overeater, and a shopaholic who is in severe debt. I say subterranean because there are some who know…mainly my doctors, coaches, therapists, spiritual teachers, and some family and friends. Inwardly, I’m a broken human being who now talks to God and my Inner Guide and my Spirit Guides and my Spirit Animal (it’s an Eagle), who has accepted she is a broken human being who cannot do it alone, who knew that her life was not working, and who finally surrendered. I was Little Miss “I Can Handle It”, Little Miss “I Am Fine”, Little Miss “If Everyone Else Was Just Like Me [Then]”, Little Miss “I Will Never Be Okay”, and mostly, Little Miss “I Am So Broken, I Cannot Even Imagine A Future Anymore”. Mostly though, I was Little Miss “I Am Smarter Than The Universe”, and so for my entire life I resisted and refused to surrender. I was not THEM, I was not WEAK, I was not going to give it up to God because I was not THERE nor did I need to be! I would figure it out myself. And then one day, I woke up. I woke up to a few empty pints of whiskey on the floor. I woke up to a burning throat, a pounding head, a bathroom and kitchen full of bulimia, and a 10am meeting to lead. And I Woke Up. I literally pawed my filthy self from my bed onto my floor, sat among the food trash and cigarette butts, and screamed to my cat, to my weakness, to my hate and my anger, to my neighbors and to God. I screamed for God to help me. I screamed for Him to take this away. I screamed I would do anything if He would just make me good. I screamed just to scream and I screamed to God because I had no one left to ask for help.
I surrendered.Read More