This is me last night, at around 6:00, after getting stood up on a date I didn't want to even go on. At first, I was going to let it slip by silently, because it was a rather beautiful personal experience, because I got a hug from a friend I ran into right after that gave me pity-face and I don't want pity-face. But I decided to share here. Because I imagine so many of us get stood up, rejected, made to feel less by the opposite sex. This is my story. But it's been changing over time. And last night, with this would-be FML moment, something came full circle.
Because, you see, when that boy didn't show, and as I sat in that little park by myself in the rain, watching a man and woman play with their baby, I didn't even consider for one second that there might be something wrong with me, or feel the smallest twinge of loser. No. I felt the opposite. I felt worthy, and beautiful, and awesome, and my only thought about the guy was that he totally missed out on hanging with this little boss. Instead of anger or annoyance, there was compassion for someone who probably doesn't treat himself that well, if he treated me this way. There was a sense of relief that I didn't have to waste my time getting to know someone that wasn't right for me anyway, that I wasn't that into anyway.
In other words, this little routine of men running away and letting me down that has played itself out over the years, finally taught me the lesson I needed to learn: that my worth is not based on anything outside of me. It's all right here, right now, and only I get to decide if I'm going to feel less because of someone else's shit.
I went to Trader Joes, bought good yummy food, came home and made tea and got into my cutest underwear, leg warmers and a crop top tank, turned on some fabulous music and roasted vegetables, read good books, laughed with friends on the phone, and I spent the night packing up my apartment, basking in the glory of knowing what it feels like to be totally in love, totally worthy, and totally trusting this process, and relishing in the possibilities of what this all means.
So I got stood up. But guess what else? I Stood the fuck Up. And that. That is what matters.