Last week, over coffee (decaf!) with a girlfriend, we got to talking about where we were today versus where we had been. She was talking about a period of her life she had slept walked through, and confessed she was haunted by how much of her life she had wasted during this period. It stuck with her. She couldn't shake it. I explained to her that everything we do - all of those perceived detours and all of that seemingly "lost time" is really just the opposite. It's the path. It's the journey. It's what brought us through to today. And it is to be loved. Because who knows? Who KNOWS what would have happened if we hadn't "wasted" that time, hadn't fallen off the cliff, hadn't drank our way through 2011? I reasoned with her that her life could look quite differently today, and that the blessings she counts today may have been entirely, less fantastic blessings altogether if she'd not slept walked past some less fantastic opportunities. I reasoned that she'd slept walked through to destiny.
We all have the things. The things we could regret. The things we could hate so much about ourselves and our experience that we bring them right along with us, unable to forgive, unable to see them for what they are: the magical things that brought us through to today. Unable to OWN them for the things they are and instead, letting them own us.
One of the biggest parts of my healing, one of the biggest blessings I have found on this path, is the art of understanding that all that came before today was simply there to bring me to today - exactly. Is the art of understanding that these perceived blocks on my path and these perceived faults in my journey, were really JUST THE PATH, were really JUST THE JOURNEY. It cannot be broken down into good or bad, dissected into failures and losses and the good stuff. It just is. And coming to terms with the fact that it just is, has freed me of my past, freed me of my pain, freed me to be here now reap the reward and the lessons of those perceived failings.
I OWN them. So they cannot own me.
Here are five of my biggest. Five of my most painful. Five nasty, dirty, terrible things that I have come to adore as part of my path, come to embrace as the things that brought me through to today. Come to own 100% as the story of Warrior Holly.
THE Five Confessions.
1. More than once I walked around the Tenderloin of San Francisco trying to "score pot" when I ran out at home and couldn't get any otherwise. One time at night. All times drunk. I only found crack (and passed on it).
2. At the end of my drinking career, on average, I binged and purged over $1,000 of food and alcohol in a week. I racked up over $5,000 in credit card debt on take out food alone.
3. I used to know when every employee of the liquor stores around my house worked - all five locations - so they would not know the amount of alcohol I was consuming. To this day, I still know who works when and where.
4. I have thrown pot in the toilet, fished it out, dried it, and smoked it. It was my toilet, though. So...
5. I don't remember most of 2011 and parts of 2012 - the years that I moved from "partying" to alcohol dependence to addiction, the years that my bulimia came back and my work schedule averaged 80-100 hours and my life fell off the rail. Meaning, I just purely can't recall because I was so drugged and numbed. But also meaning I disassociated on some very big level and can't remember being in my body. I don't know how confessional this is, but this haunted me more than anything at first. It made my stomach flip, made me mourn for lost time. Today, I see it as gained time, and also see it as a protective mechanism.