I have this thronging desire to DO something with my story. Throughout the day, I battle this familiar voice inside that says “you’re not doing enough”. It’s the same story that has helped me be incredibly successful in my career and conversely, desperately unhappy in my life. So when it calls out to me about what I’m supposed to do with my recovery for all of human kind, I get hit in the gut with a sense of irony. Only I could possibly turn my new found self-love into a task that eats away at my self-love.
A few weeks ago before a planned business trip to New York, I told my mom that I was going to focus on my recovery and get over the sense of “I have to do something with this”. I rattled off a few reasons, firstly that I’m still recovering and need to focus on me, and secondly, that who am I to stand up and help others when seemingly at times I cannot even help myself. So I set down the pressure, and told myself “I am my higher self”, and that no matter what I did with my story, that I was already here, I had already arrived, and that I was okay no matter what. But of course, I’m me, and I continued to have these seemingly out-of-body-experiences where I find myself committing to networking events to seed my desire: To help women such as myself by sharing my story, my path, and my resources, and to remove the stigma that is so profoundly attached to those of us who have addictions, namely drinking.
And then I really did it. I opened my mouth at a high-profile lunch on that trip to New York about my struggles with addiction, and my intent to use my experience to help others like myself. And I found my idea, my deepest desire, being wholly accepted by a group of some seriously connected women. And then my biggest dream met my biggest fear: The idea took, and the right people are interested in working with me.
My ego screamed. I’m not ready. I’m still a mess. I still am recovering. I feel overwhelmed still by things as simple as balancing my checkbook…how the hell am I to start speaking about my recovery?
Then my soul screamed. You are your higher self. You are not wrong. You are working from a place of love and you asked the universe for this. Don’t be scared.
Then my mind found this article: http://www.entheos.com/ideas/marie-forleo/1938/start_before_youre_ready. And I quote “That secret is this: you’ll never ‘feel ready’ to do the work you were born to do.”
And so, I will fearfully/fearlessly charge ahead, completely unprepared and yet more ready than I will ever be, to do my life’s work.